The C Word

Jason walked in the door yesterday with Dayne, he picks him up from his parents on his way home from work.  I was in the bedroom putting laundry away so he & Dayne plopped down on the bed and giggled while I finished hanging up clothes.  I turned around to smile at my boys when Jason let the bomb drop.

"He crawled today."

It was like someone punched me in the stomach, the breath left me as I stood there with a hanger in my hands and my mouth half way to a smile.

"No.  No he didn't."  I felt like the maid from Family Guy "You're fired."  "No, no I stay."

"My mom said he crawled today."


I just stood there looking at my son who was scooting around on the bed shoving the sheet into his mouth.

"We'll he's been scooting...did she maybe mean scooting?"

I've been aware this milestone would be coming, Dayne's been getting on his hands and knees without issue for about a week now and will rock back and forth.  He then ends up on his stomach where he'll push himself around with his feet.  That must be what she meant...right?

I was looking my biggest worry in the eye.  Being a full time, working out of the home mom, I missed this milestone.  I wasn't there to witness his first crawl, however small and short it may have been.  I wasn't there to cheer with joy and cry with pride as he finally put two & two together.  I wasn't there as he looked around for approval, he didn't find my face in the crowd.

I work because I enjoy it & because I have to.  I do enjoy my job and I enjoy bringing home a paycheck and financially contributing to the household.  I want to be able to offer Dayne extras in life, I want to give him some wants along with his needs.  I want to take that vacation, say yes to that toy, put a little extra in his college savings account.  So I work.

The pull gets greater and great with each passing day to figure out another way though.  It has me thinking out of the box, trying to figure out how to maintain two incomes - because we cannot survive on one at this point - but to be at home more often for Dayne. 

Yesterday it was like slamming into a brick wall without even my hands to help soften the blow.  My baby was growing up quicker than I had even imagined.  I was already mourning the days where he would cuddle into my chest and sleep for hours, the days when he had just figured out how to use his voice for more than cry and would babble all day, the days where tummy time was not fun but a chore to him.

He would rather put himself to sleep, and when I read books he's not happy unless he can shove them in his mouth.  He only "talks" when he wants to say something and tummy time is a thing of the past now that he's mastered sitting.  When I stop and really look at him...and realize it's only been 23 weeks since he was born...it takes my breath away.  How can time have passed by so quickly in such a short period of time?